Hi Everyone!
I am excited to be here today to bring you a guest post from author Sara Mendes da Costa. She has a book out that I haven't read yet, but it looks great!
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Exes and whys
– Sara Mendes da Costa
My take on
moving forward from relationships and what to do if you bump into an ex.
Have I ever gone back to an ex? In short….no!!
OK, well…I’ve had those ‘to’ing and ‘fro’ing times when I’ve known
I should leave but maybe it seemed: a little too soon - or too worrying - or too
definite to leave. I’m talking about the times when perhaps the two of you know
it’s over but can’t quite say the words; there may be an ending, a row, then an
“OK, let’s give it one more try” …but for me, once I’m truly done and out that
door, I’m done. Why? I’ve likely spent way too much time being unhappy…now it’s
time to start living again.
I know when something’s wrong. It might take me a few weeks,
months, even years to do anything about it, but I will end up doing it. If I
can’t be happy in a relationship, I’d much rather be on my own. I think women in particular can be extremely
good at breakups - I’ve written on this subject in previous articles - and we
do seem to have a wonderful knack of being able to reinvent ourselves – to start
afresh; to get excited about pastures new. To have a new hairstyle, new clothes
and to see the positive. I know situations aren’t always easy at the start, but
reinvention does seem to be a healthy trend amongst many of the women I’ve had
the pleasure of knowing. It’s like we’ve found our freedom, realised we’re OK
on our own – better than OK - and for now, whether we’re looking around for Mr
or Mrs Right (again) we’re pretty darn fine if we do or don’t find them!
I’m lucky enough to be good friends with most of my exes but there
are exceptions. Personally I feel life’s too short to hold grudges (takes a bit
of practice!!) and, however long it takes, I think it’s wonderfully
therapeutic, wonderfully liberating to be able to forgive – yourself and your
ex. We’re all feeling, loving, emotional, souls underneath and whatever you’ve
said or done and whatever your ex has said or done, in the end, if we can get
to that place of forgiveness, it’s a great weight off our shoulders and we can
start living again. I came across two rather wonderful sayings some years back
– “Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill your enemies.”; …and:
“As long as you don’t forgive, that person will occupy rent-free space in your
mind.” It can, understandably take a while to get to these realisations for
many of us, but once you’re able, you can literally let the other person go to
move on and to be happy in their life, and you are free to do the same.
Hmm…top tips when bumping into an ex for the first time.
Run!!!
Only joking (ish!) I guess if you’re lucky enough to have split
amicably, great. It may be a little uncomfortable the first time you see them –
particularly if either of you turns up with a partner (or both of you!) - but as
long as you put on your most dazzling smile and are nothing but ‘genuine’ sweetness
and light, I imagine you’ll do fine.
If you did the leaving…be nice but not too nice – no point in
giving false hope. Keep a little distance be friendly but assertive and move
off as quickly and compassionately as you can. It’s kinder and better for you
both in the long run.
For the more acrimonious encounters when you were the ‘leavee’ …I
always say, whatever you do, however you act, always make sure it’s something
you’ll feel comfy about the next day. So, if they left you and you’re
heartbroken, refrain from begging your ex to tell you “WHY??” (again), from going
over old ground and asking what it was “I did wrong”. You may have been playing
the very same conversation in your head for weeks, but actually you’ll stand a
much better chance of inner resolution if you can get to the point that you’re
OK with it all. Look at the facts. Take the emotions out the way and consider
this: Your ex left you, they told you why and they’ve said that’s it. The
emotions around the facts are what keep you stuck in the ‘what ifs’ and the
‘whys’ – they basically stop you moving forward – so as soon as you can, get
some distance from things and turn your attention to a new, exciting and
brighter future.
I always think splitting up with a partner is the perfect time to
do some real self-analysis. The wonderful thing about being at this empowering
stage is that you are in such a great
position to know what it is you want! You’ve spent, weeks, months even years
knowing what it is you don’t want
from a relationship, so now it’s time to look at the flip side and work out
what it is you do want! After all,
the opposite is always there to enjoy…may as well try it out. You might then
find that exes become a thing of the past.
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Thanks Sara for this post!!
More Information
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Peanuts and Eggcups
For Maggie
Parsons there’s only ever been one man: the stunningly delicious Luke
Henderson. Unfortunately, he left her, without explanation, after their ‘first
night’ together …breaking her heart in the process.
Now ten years on, without any contact, he’s back
and going to her school reunion. Great! And, to confuse matters…so is his
suave, sexy, brother Tony who makes a major play for Maggie, then turns up with
his insufferable - supposedly ex – fiancée!
Via the reunion, a black eye, getting the sack
(as a result) a madcap girlie holiday and juggling her confused emotions around
the two alluring brothers…Maggie starts to build a picture of what she really
wants in life.
Trouble is, Maggie’s a pawn in a game she
doesn’t even know she’s playing …and things are about to get a whole lot more
complicated.
Available from Amazon UK
About Sara Mendes da Costa
Sara Mendes da
Costa is the voice of the BT Speaking Clock; the fourth person to hold this
prestigious title since 1936.
A successful, world-renowned voiceover artist,
her dulcet tones are easily recognisable on television, radio, film and across
countless media.
Never far from the press, she’s known for her
appearances on BBC Breakfast, ITV This Morning, Children in Need, Wake up to
Wogan and The Today Programme, and balances her prolific voiceover career with
her passion and commitment as a novelist.
Peanuts & Eggcups, her debut novel - hotly
anticipated by the industry - is “The perfect & highly addictive reading
companion for women’s fiction fans”. `
A lover of laughter, creativity, great
storytelling and a wee dram, Sara adores writing novels and seeks to entertain,
uplift and inspire.
Her upcoming novels: Time & Time Again &
Maggie Ever After, are expected in 2017.
Visit: www.saramendesdacosta.com
