Stopping by today to bring you a guest post from Julia Samuel. Please help me by giving her a warm welcome to the blog! :)
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WHY I WROTE
GRIEF WORKS
by Julia
Samuel
I wrote Grief
Works because I was angry. Angry that so many of the bereaved clients that
came through my door, were suffering more than necessary, because they felt
they should have been coping better, feared they were going mad. They had no
idea this is normal in grief. And they
didn’t know how to help themselves. I want Grief Works to change that ignorance
into knowledge and thereby confidence.
I learned this lesson in my childhood, both
of my parents had experienced significant losses: my mother’s mother, father,
sister and brother were all dead by the time she was 25 - my father’s father
and brother were dead by his mid twenties - and they never spoke about them. I
saw black and white photographs of these people around the house, but they were
like ghosts in a frame, I knew nothing about them. They believed that what you
don’t talk about won’t hurt you. Forget and move on. Yet the pain they felt
beneath their silence remained untouched throughout their lives. When my mother
told me about the death of her brother at Arnhem, during the war, she spoke as
the 17 year old sister whose grief was absolutely raw.
Death is the last great taboo, and its
consequence, grief, is profoundly misunderstood. We seem happy to talk about
sex, or failure, or expose our deepest vulnerabilities, but on death we are
silent. It is too frightening, even alien, for many of us, to find the words to
voice it. That silence leads to ignorance, which means we often don't know how
to respond to grief in others, let alone ourselves. We prefer it when the
bereaved don't show their distress, and we say how "amazing" they are
when they are being "so strong." But the fact is. death happens and
grief hurts. Despite the language we use to try and deny death: “passed over”
“lost” "gone to a better place" it is a harsh truth that as a society
we are pretty ill equipped to respond to it. The lack of control and
powerlessness that we are forced to contend with, counters our 21st
century belief that technology or medicine can fix us, or if it can’t, our
determination can.
Every day thousands of people die, expectedly
and unexpectedly. 2,626,418 deaths a year in the USA. On average every death
affects at least five people, that means millions of people will be faced with
the shock of the news. They will forever remember where they were standing when
they heard their parent, their sibling, their friend or their child is dying or
has died. It will impact their relationship with themselves, and with every
aspect of their world, for the rest of their life. How they manage that
process, will inevitably affect the people around them.
For the grief we feel is
invisible. It is an invisible wound that is greater or smaller depending on how
much we loved the person who has died. It may be that we are grieving a sudden
death, or an anticipated death. Either way the sky we look up at is the same
sky as before the death, but we look in the mirror and we don’t see the same
person. We look at a photograph of ourselves, and wonder at the innocence of
that smile, and see a different face from the one we see now. But some of the
people around us, don’t understand the complexity of what has happened, or the
depth of the hidden injury we are carrying. Death is the great exposer. It
forces into the open, hidden fault lines, submerged secrets, and reveals to us
how crucial those closest to us are.
I have regularly seen that it
is not the pain of grief that damages individuals and whole families, even
through many generations; but it is the things we do to avoid the pain, which
inflicts the most harm. Dealing with pain requires work on many different
levels; physical and psychological. It is not possible to do that on our own.
Love from others is key to helping us survive the love we have lost. With their
support, we can endeavour to find a way of bearing the pain and living without
the person who has died; and daring to trust in life again.
In my profession there is a body of well
researched practical facts as well as psychological understandings that are
essential for anyone who is grieving. As a therapist I have witnessed how this
knowledge can help protect those who are bereaved, suffering worse consequences, through inappropriate support.
Research studies show that at the root of 15% of all psychiatric referrals, is
unresolved grief. But this information
is not out in the world and I want this book to change that. There is so
much fear that surrounds death and grief, largely caused by ignorance and lack
of knowledge, and I want to replace that fear with confidence. I want people to
understand that grief is a process that has to be worked through; whatever the
circumstance, whoever they are, to protect them from a bad event having even
worse consequences, due to ignorance - but
that information is not out in the world. I want this book to change that.
Peoples’ resistance and thereby lack of
knowledge about death and dying is understandable because it is fuelled by
fear, I would like to replace that fear with confidence. Experience has taught
me that grief is work, extremely hard
work, but if we do the work it works for us, the natural process of grieving
can be supported to enable us to both heal, function effectively in our lives,
and help us to find a way to rebuild our life. I hope that this book will
illuminate what that work entails.
When love dies, it is only the love of others
that can help us. This book shows how that love works.
© Julia
Samuel, author of Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving (Scribner)
About the Author:
Julia
Samuel is a grief psychotherapist who has spent the last
twenty-five years working with bereaved families, both in private practice and
with the NHS at St Mary's Paddington where she pioneered the role of maternity
and paediatric counsellor. She is Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, where
she continues to play a central role. Grief Works
is her first book. Find out more at www.griefworks.co.uk
Happy Reading!
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